I Failed My Brother

For whatever reason, I wanted to be the first to see Phil in the hospital on the day that he died.

Maybe some part of my brain had to see that he was really gone to process the situation, but I prefer to believe it’s because I couldn’t stand the thought of him being alone for one moment longer.

I let go of my wife’s hand and quickly walked past my parents and flung open the curtain.

There he laid on his back in a hospital gown. Looking as if he were just catching a quick nap.

I grabbed a chair on his left, took hold of his hand and wept.

Sitting there in disbelief, I quietly spoke to him about how much I loved him, was going to miss him and I made him a promise, that as his brother, I would look out for the family and take care of things.

If our positions were reversed, I know for certain that Phil would make the same pledge.

Well, it hit me this evening that I failed my brother. What should have been my most precious vow, I actively took part in destroying.

Roughly a year after Phil died, I begged my father to divorce my mom. I sincerely believed that if he showed her he was willing to leave her forever, that she’d believe he wasn’t wanting any power over her and she’d snap out of her extreme paranoia and delusions.

I was very wrong.

As shocking as it may be to read, I received word this evening that my mom is going to try and have my brother exhumed.

I can only imagine that this is an attempt to prove to everyone that he’s actually very much alive.

Of all the stuff that’s happened over these almost 8 years, nothing has upset me more than her insistence that Phil is alive and well.

The very real death of my brother was just the first domino to fall that would ultimately fracture my family.

And even though it’s true that no amount of strength I could muster would have kept my family from ripping itself apart, I can’t escape the fact that I failed on my promise.

While I do hold Phil in very high regard, I wonder, if our places were reversed, would he have been strong enough to succeed where I failed?

Would he have been able to keep his promise?

Knowing him, he might have.

Just to prove that he could.