“Now I am Become Red Starbucks Cup, The Destroyer of Worlds.” – Satan

satanIf you think the title of this post at all resembles what J. Robert Oppenheimer said after the Trinity Bomb went off and he realized that we’ve created the capacity to end ourselves, you’d be wrong. This is what Satan was quoted as saying recently as his way of finally toppling the great majority religion of Christianity in America.

Confused? I was too until I finally googled why the hell I keep seeing fury flung at Starbucks over Red Cups.

Are you ready, internet? Are you ready to see what death incarnate looks like? This is your final warning. Image not suitable for those with a fake persecution complex.


I’m sorry you had to see that. When your pulse settles down, if it ever does, please continue reading on.

Those red cups have apparently sent a portion of mainstream Christianity into a frenzy. Why? I couldn’t figure it out either, but apparently it’s because the cups used to look like this.


Still confused? Let me help you. Apparently, in an attempt to be more inclusive to non Christians, you know, other people that live in this country that Starbucks serves, they’ve removed the traditional Christmas decorations on the cups and they stopped saying “Merry Christmas.”

This has caused an absolute maelstrom of crap for the “War on Christmas” people because as Starbucks said in their own words:

“…our core values as a company is to create a culture of belonging, inclusion and diversity. Each year during the holidays we aim to bring our customers an experience that inspires the spirit of the season and we will continue to embrace and welcome customers from all backgrounds and religions in our stores around the world.”

Look, Christians, I know you like things the way they are. You like being represented in pop culture. You like that most members of politics identify Christian. You like saying “Merry Christmas” and hearing a similar response back from places you shop at, but please hear me when I tell you:


There is no “War on Christmas” as you’re still able to tell loved ones, family, strangers and even people of other faiths “Merry Christmas!” You’re still able to put up Christmas trees. You’re still able to put out a manger scene in your yard. You’re still allowed to max out your credit cards in the good name of Jesus’ birthday. Nobody has or will ever take those things from you.

What you’re suffering from is a fake persecution complex because you’re used to having things your way.

I’m not saying that there aren’t Christians facing very real and terrible persecution for what they believe because that’s a sad reality in many parts of the world, but here, in the good old USA, you can worship whatever god you want and ain’t nobody going to stop you. Hell, you can even erect buildings and make clubs with all kinds of amazing tax breaks so you can keep on worshipping said god! Which makes me wanna yell:

god bless america

I don’t even believe in a god and I just put a “God Bless America” picture on my blog! What?! I can do that and not be thrown in jail?! Yeah, America!

My point is that you’re not being persecuted. What’s happening is that companies are doing the right thing by trying to be more inclusive to all potential or current customers. If nothing else, it’s good business to not make people with money feel excluded or not wanted.

Years ago I used to work at Chase Bank and one year my manager decided to not put up a Christmas tree and I was stunned at the response.

One woman called in and yelled at me personally about it and told me that her church was boycotting Chase Bank. As a fellow Christian at the time, I was more than happy to reply, “You know, Christmas trees aren’t in the Bible. They come from pagan traditions.” To which she replied I “have to do what the majority wants or suffer the consequences!”

Just love that spreading of Jesus’ love around the holidays.

I feel like I could talk for days about the mindset in general or this type of persecution complex and just riddle it endlessly for jokes about how completely unvalidated it is.

You’re not being persecuted. End of story.

So, feel free to say “Merry Christmas” as much as you want to whoever you want and if they reply with a “Merry Christmas” back, then you two can exchange knowing glances of solidarity in the persecution. You can walk away feeling like all hope is not lost. That that person is a “good” person because they too love Jesus and will praise his glory by buying material possessions in remembrance of a man that hated material possessions.

Then you can walk around a little taller in your superiority of being “right” and “good” and “loving” just like Jesus.

So, please hear me loud and clear when I say this to you:

happy holidays


2 thoughts on ““Now I am Become Red Starbucks Cup, The Destroyer of Worlds.” – Satan

  1. The Starbucks story came over the news early this morning, a I was writing, prompting me to write this comment on another blog:

    One bearded Fundie went on FaceBook to advocate that when we order coffee, and they ask our name so they can write it on the cup to make sure the right blend goes to the right customer, that we should say our name is “Merry Christmas,” in order to force the burrista to write Merry Christmas on the Starbucks cup.

    I would love to counter his little video with one of my own, suggesting the burrista write, “Mary Crismus” on the cup, then when delivering it, loudly call out, “Mary Crismus?” then when he raises his hand, ask, “Are you Mary?” forcing him to say ‘yes’ in front of the entire crowd. Bet he wouldn’t do it twice.

    But then I’ve never been known for playing well with others —

    • I saw that video as well and wow, that guy is nuts.

      Maybe I’ll do the same thing and have them put as my name, “Mary did you know?”

      And when they yelled it I would reply, “That your baby boy, would one day walk on water.”

      People are nuts, man.

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