1,576,800 Minutes

164119_10100397964188439_1188921_nPhil,

Time is constant, but human perception is not. It feels both like a lifetime ago and just yesterday that you were killed.

Truth be told, I feel somewhat guilty coming up on 3 years because I don’t speak your name enough, I don’t ache as often and I’ve been insensitive to mom and dad about it. The world kept spinning and in some very real ways you’ve been left behind and for that, I’m sorry.

Memory is a funny thing. I cling to all the moments we had, but time, being the asshole that it is, will slowly rob me of far too many memories that can’t be replaced. One thing I’m confident I’ll never lose is the feeling I get when I think about you, how much I love you and how proud I still am to call you brother.

It’s been a wild 3 years since you’ve been gone and some of the lowest points came during those storms and were amplified with your absence.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I’ve made myself busy to keep from dwelling on your being gone and I’m sorry I don’t visit enough. I made a deliberate decision to push forward for my family and yours and I think I’ve done an admirable job and that you’d approve.

Also, sorry I used that song from Rent to measure how many minutes you’ve been gone. We both hated it and it was your class song in high school, but it always makes me laugh when I think of it.

I’ll be around looking out.

Your bro,

Nate

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2 thoughts on “1,576,800 Minutes

  1. Gah. I can’t even begin to imagine the feelings you carry with this loss. It is such bullshit that he isn’t here. I miss Scrappy. The random text messages checking in, the laughs and the non-stop joking. The feeling of loss ebbs and flows – to me it still feels like he is here sometimes. Sorry this is so poorly worded – 3 years later and I still can’t fathom that he isn’t coming in through the doors of PCSD.

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