Give Me Mayonnaise, or Give Me Death!

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I once saw an old friend flip his top over a free sandwich he’d been given at work. As I sat down and bit into my dry peanut butter only sham of a sandwich, my friend had descended into madness and curses about the fact that someone dared use Miracle Whip as a condiment.

My eyes opened wide to take in what was surely the greatest overreaction ever witnessed by anyone. My friend, a very intelligent and level headed man, had gone bananas because he’d accidentally ingested Miracle Whip, the most foul of dressings.

Having been raised in a household where mayonnaise didn’t exist, I was struck with immense laughter and amusement. “Patrick,” I said, “there’s no difference between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. They’re the same damn thing.”

My words only fueled his wrath as he then schooled me on the differences between the two. Technically, I learned, they share many of the same ingredients, but differ largely in the quantities of said ingredients. I also learned that Miracle Whip’s cheaper price tag helped it surge in popularity during the Great Depression.

Shocked, I watched my friend, that had no other food to eat that day, throw away the rest of the sandwich as he yelled about the garbage can being the only good place for Miracle Whip.

It wouldn’t be but another few years until I’d make the switch from Miracle Whip to Hellman’s Mayonnaise myself because, as it turns out, my wife also had a predisposition towards mayo.

I say all of this because this morning I found myself making a sandwich for lunch and was out of mayonnaise. In my fridge I found an unexpired jar of Miracle Whip. My wife told me that it was used long ago as an ingredient in some food recipe she’d made for a potluck. I dragged the tip of my finger into the dressing and tasted it. My body convulsed at the nastiness and I remembered my dear friend, Patrick.

I immediately threw the rest of the jar where all trash goes, into the garbage. That’s the only possible place an abomination of that caliber should be. An affront to sensible people with any modicum of good taste.

So I’ll be eating my ham and cheese sandwich with no condiments today. I do have standards to live by. Give me mayonnaise, or give me dry sandwich!

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